i am lost, so i am cruel

archiving the web

i'm probably one of the last people to discover this, as usual, but i found this website, http://web.archive.org, that took screen shots of different websites throughout the years in their different developmental stages. in other words, if i wanted to remember what livejournal looked like back in 1999 when i actually had a livejournal account, a click of the mouse and voila. i'm disgusted and enthralled.

some of my favorite archived pages:

http://web.archive.org/web/19981212020756/rock.yahoo.com/
early yahoo music, you'd type in a band name and 50 similar artists would pop up. i owe all of my knowledge of bands as a child to this tool.

http://web.archive.org/web/20000815052956/geocities.yahoo.com/home/
geocities! learning how to use hmtl! sparkly backgrounds and lime green italicized times new roman font! page counters!

http://web.archive.org/web/19981207055015/http://www.mirc.com/
irc chatting at its finest. pinging, slapping with trouts, trivia chat rooms, ops (@) and voices (+), scripts, winnuking! i'll always remember my favorite server was jade.va.us.dal.net

http://web.archive.org/web/19970218072527/http://www.gap.com/
the gap was my favorite store as a 12 year old. i think i like this link purely because it reminds you how disgusting gap's logo used to be. i particular remember that white tag with boring black font in all my khaki pants.

if you don't mind the occasional broken image link and feel like a trip down memory lane, i highly suggest taking a look at this awesomely nostalgic website.

my ever growing vhs collection

i never thought i'd be the type of person to collect movies. i mean, sure - i like movies, but lately all i spend my time doing is watching them. i think i've spent like thirty bucks at half price books on dollar clearance vhs movies in the past two weeks. i like the collection i've got going, too:

200 cigarettes 
a hard day's night
all about my mother
almost famous
american beauty
american graffiti
american psycho
an affair to remember
annie hall
as good as it gets
back to the future
bambi
bananas
beetlejuice
being john malkovich
the big chill
breakfast at tiffany's
the breakfast club
bridges of madison county
casablanca
chasing amy
clerks
clockwork orange
clueless
copycat
the craft
crimes and misdemeanors
cruel intentions
dancer in the dark
dial m for murder
the discreet charm of the bourgeoisie
dumb and dumber
e.t.
edward scissorhands
empire records
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
everyone says i love you
faces 
fantasia
fargo
fast times at ridgemont high
fear
ferris bueller's day off
ghost in the shell
the graduate
grease
groundhog day
hannah and her sisters
happiness
heathers
high fidelity 
home alone
home alone 2: lost in new york
igby goes down
interview with the vampire
jfk
kids
kids in the hall: brain candy
klute
labyrinth 
the land before time
legends of the fall
the little mermaid
little shop of horrors
lolita (the one with jeremy irons)
love and death
mallrats 
meet joe black
the mighty ducks
mrs. doubtfire
the neverending story
the neverending story ii: the next chapter
now, voyager
one flew over the cuckoo's nest
the pelican brief
pretty in pink
the princess bride
pulp fiction
raising arizona
reality bites 
rear window
risky business 
robin hood (disney)
rocky horror picture show
romeo & juliet (franco zeffirelli's)
romeo & juliet (baz luhrmann's)
romy and michelle's high school reunion
rosemary's baby
the royal tenenbaums
rushmore
sabrina (the one with harrison ford)
the sandlot
say anything
scream
selena
serendipity 
sex, lies, and videotape 
shag
the shining 
sideways 
sixteen candles
the sound of music 
st. elmo's fire
stardust memories
suburbia 
teenage mutant ninja turtles
the talented mr. ripley
the truth about cats and dogs
this is spinal tap
to kill a mockingbird
toy story
uncle buck
valley girl
valley of the dolls
wayne's world
welcome home roxy carmichael
what about bob?
what have i done to deserve this?
when harry met sally
where the boys are
wild at heart
willy wonka and the chocolate factory
wizards

february playlist

bill withers - lovely day
the rolling stones - she smiled sweetly
french kicks - love in the ruins
coldplay - don't panic
stevie wonder - my cherie amour
elvis - suspicious minds
slowdive - machine gun
cocteau twins - summerhead
radiohead - reckoner
paul mccartney - goodnight tonight
sa-ra creative partners - melodee n'mynor
joe hisaishi - merry-go-round of life
ryuichi sakamoto - bibo no aozora
patsy cline - crazy

holy shit, it's fuckin' march.

an open letter to my late grandmother

dear grandma:

i've come to realize that everybody i've ever known has had a love/hate relationship with me. it's a very passive aggressive thing, really. i don't know what it is about me that is so polarizing but to say the least i'm amused. i think the only people that like and love me unconditionally are mom and my cats. okay, so that's only one person.

anyway, i need a haircut. you would agree. you always liked it short, black and shiny, like a cap of hair, you'd say. i think i'll let it grow out this time, though. we'll see.

i wonder what you're doing all the time and if you are watching me shower. i wonder a lot of things but i don't intend to get theological or anything. mostly, mom and i wonder if you're mad at us.

oh, and i hope you don't mind but last time i went to laredo, i stayed in your old room and took some dr. bonner's organic rose soap to bring home with me. look, you left like three bottles and they were just sitting there and they're like 12 bucks a bottle around here, so.

it's weird; the week before you died, i listened to that cassette tape of you teaching me how to read. it's labeled december of 1987. hearing it then gave me a strange lump in my throat, sort of how i feel right now. i really wish i could hear your voice just once more. truthfully, if you were haunting me or something, i'd be scared shitless so please come to me in a dream or something.

before i end this letter, i wanted to tell you about last weekend. i went to see a palm reader with my friend. i know you're already balking, but she told me some really uncanny things! i wish you could tell me if she said anything valid or if i got robbed. she said i would live to be 94. jeez.

well, see ya someday, i hope. not too soon, though.

love,

v

nothing to it

at mall del norte, in laredo, you can have your shoes shined while listening to local musicians play the pan flute.

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i saw a late night commercial one late night. a kid of five or six with blonde hair tells his grandpa, "whatever you want grandpa, as much as you want!" i think it was for cereal, or something.

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your wife is weird, because she cries for flowers. also, i remember twenty-year old you with your wine stained lips and worried eyes. i wish i hadn't deleted that link. fuckkkkkkkkkkkk.

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i think i was nine, maybe ten, definitely getting into the ages where i should know better or at least have some sort of shame, but i'd get out of bed every night when i was sure my parents were asleep and i'd dance in front of my full-length mirrors which were really closet doors. i'd dance to the swan lake ballet, and my hair would whip around me and my nose would run. if i heard anybody coming down the hall, i'd jump into my bed and pretend i was asleep, my heart pounding wildly. it's almost the way i'd jump from the entrance of my room at the door to my bed, a good six feet away. i'd pretend my carpet was really shark-infested water. it wasn't, obviously, but sometimes i'd find tacks in the bottom of my foot that had fallen from one of my many hanson posters.

the altar boy

i came into town to see my mother. while i've been here, i've seen two horrible movies (valentine's day, the wolfman), haven't had enough protein, and i've gone to mass with my mother. the mass was being given in honor of my late grandmother and that's the only reason we went to this church. "it's not my normal parish," my mom explained.

i flat out detest going to mass. i decided this time that i would listen with an open mind and try to absorb something from the sermon since i'd have to be there for an hour anyway. i'd try and make the best of it, if you will. as it turned out, this mass was entirely dedicated to asking churchgoers for money for the diocese of laredo, or something. i don't know, i tuned out, you see. i started staring at the altar boy instead and wondering what he was thinking about. he couldn't have been more than 13 years old. he was overweight, sullen, with floppy black hair in his eyes, and he sat there next to the priest, fidgeting and sighing. "i bet this kid listens to my chemical romance," i thought.

i never thought i'd see this kid again, and yet i saw him the very next day outside of the theater at the mall, with his circle of friends. he was wearing black baggy pants and a black t-shirt and also a collar with spikes. it was kind of disgusting to see him outside of the church and not wearing his white robe. i wish i hadn't seen him, either.